Analyzing My Break Up


I just broke up with a girl. Personally, I believe it has to be on Cosmopolitan’s list of top 10 shittiest ways to start a new year.

I have been feeling low lately because of the split and my face gives the vibe that i just discovered I have Gonorrhea. Everyone in my office is worried and keeps asking me what’s wrong. It’s not like any one gives much of a damn but when you start resembling a character from a B – grade Zombie flick, not talking ,not listening, not showing interest in random useless conversations mostly involving girls it does freak people out. Nobody wants to share space with Helen Keller. I have been trying to avoid people and keep to myself because when shit goes wrong the last thing you want is people poking their subway sausage size noses into your personal space and give you advice on how to move on and all. Don’t need self professed Deepak Chopras and Oprahs .

The fact that my social circle is as big as that of an average Afghani woman and my interpersonal skills are worse than that of an 8 year old autistic kid, I am surprised I even managed to land myself in a relationship. But then, I did. Given my awkwardness at interacting with people it only makes sense that she was the one who made the first move. When a girl shows interest in you, your love compass starts to analyze the signals and it keeps swinging between ‘she is just being friendly and you don’t want to end up like Phaneesh Murthy‘ to ‘She’s got the hots for you‘. But then the signals became clearer. When a girl asks you out for dinner and pings you 187 fucking times a day,every day it has to mean something. So we had this first date which was basically a sex comedy in a single screen being surrounded by shady characters from the neighborhood. So right then we had this “who wears the pants in the house moment” as I was freaking out while she was laughing away to the sexual innuendos on screen. What followed was a late night stroll in front of her house ice creams in hands. It felt like a page out of a Nicholas Sparks novel, to be turned later into an equally cheesy movie .Frankly I would have felt the same if I was munching Nutritive diabetes biscuits then.. I was Jack and she was Rose sailing in your love boat.But then,bloody Titanic sunk. Everything we shared (mostly Platonic) then and every other day after that day till we broke up felt so real, so intimate that I thought we were in for the long haul

She turned out to be as fake as Priyanka Chopra’s nose.

I broke up. Which is more like saying she dumped my ass leaving me feeling as violated as the guy who just had a colonoscopy done on him. You know that age old adage that you treat a girl nicely and she comes back and kicks you right in your balls.I kind of went through a practical demonstration of that. Just kidding .I didn’t cry. When you are sharing an apartment with 5 dudes you can’t afford to.

When you are nearing 25 you don’t flirt you fall in love .Or at least you try to. Because you realize if this is probably your last shot at a meaningful relationship before being forcibly hurled by your parents to marry some stranger, the only insight into her life being she can cook bhindi ki sabji pretty well.(conveyed by her mom to your mom. Also that her dad will gift you a Hero Passion pro – my official dowry value.).It’s not easy to fall in love in this part of the world. Our society is marred by religious, caste, linguistic divide, and an archaic and un-pragmatic system of arranged marriage to fuel false parental ego.

It’s difficult even more if you are a lower middle kid whose Dad has a salaried account; And when your dad, mom, uncles, aunties, long lost cousins, neighbors, Doodh wallah all expect your single purpose of existence to be to top school, college, tuition and any exam you sit for . The pocket money you receive in your school and college life is basically lunch money. So, between love and food I chose not to stay hungry. My social life mostly spanned between physics, chemistry and maths tuition. The point being its difficult to establish a relationship with the opposite sex even a friendly one let alone romantic because they expect you to be confined within your cocoon – resulting increasing disparities between both the sexes, and gender based atrocities.

Because when a guy sees a girl in our society he doesn’t see a friend, a lover or an acquaintance he once met .All he sees is cunts and tits. Because every social contact between a guy and a girl is judged and opined upon here, leaving very little for an average guy to reach out and communicate with the other gender, have a heterogeneous social purlieu.

And if you do manage to transcend that and do manage to find someone you think is the one , you realize then how little of character , commitment and love is left in people these days.

I did propose her eventually(after months of whatsApp ,chats and pictures sharing)which basically constituted a 3 page Love letter mostly written in Shakespearean English aimed to impress. I quoted Pablo Neruda later realizing the girl’s sense of poetry never went beyond Twinkle Twinkle little stars. I don’t really know how much of that shit permeated her brain(which by the way is as empty as theaters during a Ram Gopal Varma movie) but “ I love you” generally does make sense even to the stupidest of the lot. 

Word of advice – never date anyone in your social milieu. Because when the eventual break up does take place it becomes really awkward knowing you will keep running into your ex-flame time and again , that you have to be in the same room with her a lot of times , will have to tolerate her presence. When something like this happens there’s 3 ways you can tackle it,or better those were the 3 ways I came up with in my case.

1)take a print out of all the intimate whatsapp conversations you had with her and mail it to all the common friends and end it up with the line “guess who was sucking up to the other person,definitely not me.”

I didn’t do it because of my new-found respect towards women and the idea of showing due respect and upholding the dignity of the opposite sex no matter how shallow and vain the given individual is. Also ,because the idea is plain creepy.

2) Choose a hot girl and make out with her in front of your Ex.

Now that’s not gonna happen in my case because I am generally surrounded middle-aged Tamilian women most of who are on their way to a second pregnancy. Also if I did manage to find a hot chick what are the odds of me making out with her – somewhere between discovering life on Mars to finding out Big Foot is real.

3).Try avoiding the person as much as you can ,pretend she doesn’t exist, bail out on as many social gatherings involving her as you possibly can,delete all her contact info, become a recluse until everyone gets bored and moves on.

I am doing moderately well on option-3 Given how I am an expert at being a social creep. I would have done better if others wouldn’t make it their business to meddle with my life. So , this post in a way is my way of saying this is what happened , now fuck off.

Its really painful after a break up but you just have to suck it up because sharing the pain makes it worse. You tell this to your friends and they all mean well and they basically want to say fucking move on, but depending upon the type of friend the message varies.

There are basically these many types of friends :-

1.the Cussing friend – She ditched you for nothing. Fucking skank.

2.The non cussing friend – She ditched you for nothing. What kind of a shallow ,heartless person does that.(same as the cussing friend but doesn’t have the balls to use the C**** and S*** words.)

3.The been there ,done that friend – my 3rd girlfriend did the same to me. Hooked up with a hotter girl within 2 months.(he doesn’t really give a shit about me. He is just trying to say he is a player.)

4. The College ka gunda friend abe aise kaise dump kar diya.Saali ko uthwaa lenge(He can’t do squat about anything. He is just reminiscing his college days ,where he used to scare junior girls to say yes to his proposals during fresher parties and rag freshly out of home douchebags).

5. The friend who has girlfriend – Not all girls are like that .Many girls respect the value of a relationship.(Basically trying to say the girl he is with has greater moral integrity than the one I was with and hoping he doesn’t end up the way I did.)

6. The friend who never had a girlfriend– “abe tune ladki pataayi. Yahan pe toh haath me leke pade hain”

7.The sympathetic friend – First Love??” Pehli baar sabkaa chutiyaa kat taa hai”.Chill dude.You deserve way better than her.

8.The judgmental friend – “Laundiyaa ne chhod diya. Chutiye.”

9.Marwari Friend –” abe uspe zyaada kharchaa toh nahi kiya naa tune…”

10. The Funny Friend – She dumped you for another guy and she has an elaborate history of doing that. Well then, she must be a whore-ible person.

11. Chetan Bhagat quoting friend – is that all your life is about? For your lover to validate you? Instead why not focus on yourself – working on your goals, learning something, being a more positive person and helping others. That will boost your self esteem far more than any lover would. Next time that girl treats you badly , say thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I need to make myself the focus of my life, not you.(He is probably one of those thousand guys who borrows quotes from second grade authors and then shares them on Facebook.)

I don’t quite understand why she walked out on me. I am not self bragging, but I am one of the meekest persons out there. I treat everyone nicely especially girls who send me heart shaped smileys as good night messages and call me Darling time and again. The last time I was angry or violent was in 2010 when I smashed my own hand into the wall after Louis Suarez blocked that sure goal by Dominic Adiyiah with his hand causing Ghana to bow out of the WC.I am not very romantic but I know how to do my bit to impress girls. At any point in time my choice of a Christmas movie would be Die Hard and not 10 things I hate about you.But I did try to impress the lady by suggesting overpriced Italian restaurants for dates,whose menu you can barely understand and where all the dishes irrespective of their names taste more or less like pasta. Also, I once did try to blow her mind away through flash file presentations on windows live movie maker .That ,i now remember, is the day she broke up with me. I changed my OS to Linux after that.I also spent months to learn her tongue and frankly that is the only positive outcome of this fall out.I was heart broken and all but now I can proficiently bargain with local potato vendors “ Swalpa Kammi Madkoli”.

MY EX :-

By way of appearance if I had to rate her out of 10 then it would be a dig at my own sense of judgment. Several cosmetic changes has brought about a passable improvement over her previous self. Its hard to compare her with any human being but if you are a Harry Potter fan , then one word – Dementors. She will be cosy and friendly and then slowly suck the living soul out of you. There are people you hate, then there are girls your mom warned you about ,then there are tramps, then there’s people you wish were never born,then there’s Ishant Sharma and then there’s my Ex.

Turns out she is pretty secular when it comes to sharing her affection. So, she goes to movie with Rajesh , eats cheese Dosa with Prasanth ,visits the newly opened Starbucks with Karthik and has dinner at MTR ,Jayanagar with Azeem .You genuinely like a person and then you realize your place in her life is as a CC to for all the messages she sends to random boys simultaneously.

My friend who knew her from before warned me about her. He said she is the Charles Shobhraj of Romance – Serial Offender. She chooses some dude, starts cozying up to him, messages him day and night and after spending some time with him ditches him. But I didn’t pay heed to any of those. I was in love and when you are in love you behave like a Dodo- a flightless bird ,intellectually challenged who failed to differentiate between its predators and friends and ultimately became extinct. I kind of met the same fate.

She, by her own admission, had a sleuth of boyfriends. I counted with her one day and the number went to 13 after which I went into sort of an anaphylactic shock and stopped counting. After knowing that she had so many affairs I was equal parts shocked and equal parts in awe. I mean you gotta give it to her, not many can attain that number. The point being she was in lot many relationships (way beyond the normal threshold) and most of her friend circle constituted boys. So, she always had someone to fall back upon. Come to think of it she has a more stable network than Google.

She broke up with me on a Friday night over the phone.My entire life spiraled from When Harry met Sally to 500 Days of Summer. A guy inside me told it’s time to start dusting off dirt from Jagjit Singh CDs. Jagjit Singh paved way to Dark side of the moon and porn. Because when nothing makes sense what does is Pink Floyd and Pink world.

So, after days of self loathing and self pity I was finally over my break up. Because I realized the person I was suffering for is not worth it. She never was.Every relationship commands certain amount of respect. When you give that relationship more than what is deserves you receive less than what you are worth. My only regret is I should have been the one dumping her ass instead. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Deep in inside your heart , you hope that there is some sort of a karmic retribution,that she will pay for what she did to me,that there is some sense of justice to this whole charade. But , that’s not gonna happen. Life is unfair. Shit happens. You have to take the shit, derive a life lesson or two out of the bloody thing and move on.

Days have gone back to being simpler now.Now the day’s biggest problem is finding a decent enough restaurant for lunch.Now there are new resolutionsand the acceptance of the fact that I am never gonna meet rather.I am focussding more on my career goals than spending half my nights replying whatsapp queries.I am writing a lot more now too. My pieces are still half baked stuff which friends and acquaintances on Facebook applaud as a customary obligation, but I am hopeful of churning out at least one decent literary piece before dying of cancer or something. This entire episode has made me appreciate the smaller things in life that we casually take for granted like those friendly banters,late night strolls and room fights with friends. It has also reinstated my faith in the “ Bros before Hoes” concept.

It still hope that she is the girl I thought she was when I liked her and not the Bitch she turned out to be.

“Now you are just somebody that i used to know “



4 thoughts on “Analyzing My Break Up

  1. Normally I am opposed to saying shit about a girl who dumped you but this is really a good piece of work you have written…….Kudos…….. a note to you all girls belong to one of the three types that was shown in the movie pyaar ka punchnama.. so be aware of the signals 😛

  2. Kadambari,

    Thanks for the words of appreciation and valuable advice.I am now once bitten twice shy.I have not yet lost faith in the idea of love but will be more careful while dating.from now on

  3. Hi-fi !! break up here too. Just when your parents are spending 5 minutes on “soon you’ll be married” .. (in a 9 minute everyday call ; >50% time they spend with you ) .. and you are thinking if I should ask my guy too about his plans.. …bam !! break up .. served with the statement ” I want to marry a girl who’d be a help to me and my family “..

    Tissues were wasted here 😛 but then I reached a point .. when you look into the mirror.. and tell yourself ” seriously dude ! whats wrong with you .. ” and then I started treating myself as guardian of a kid ( not alok nath 😛 )who made a wrong decision, and with all my *cool wisdom* I have to get the kid out of her miseries 🙂 .

    No Bipolar disorder jokes please!. But treat yourself awesomely, buy stuffs which make you happy (as a girl it works for me 😛 ) and you’ll never want to be back into the agony of break up again.. occasional /*missing you/or whaatever you do to miss smn 😉 */ is fine ..

  4. Sir, I am very late in expressing my views on your hilariously awesome blog. This one is the best break up story heard so far. I wonder how you would have spent time to channelize everyfact and every inch of it and put them on this page. You are way way better a writer than Chetan Bhagat.

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