Between Chicken Tikka and Idli Dosa!!!!!


rajnikant2

          

             

We are all proud of the diversity we possess, the multiplicity we project, our 18 official languages, 3000 dialects, 7 major religions and butt load of other shit. I mean sure as hell does sound good to the ears but as I mentioned earlier, this national feature of ours is a major practical fuck up. It is hard to be infatuated to this multicultural, multilingual, multiethnic feature of our society because in all totality, it is actually much shallower than what is projected and also because being proud of the same shit for 66 years is kind of a drag. I mean, 650 million people in this country go hungry daily, about 10 million children have no education, no future and we have been for quite some time now battling, poverty, inflation, insurgency and congress. But what the hell, we have 1618 different languages and that’s what makes us superior to others. Because a country’s overall success  as a nation is dependent on people talking the same shit in 1618 different tongues. Because countries like South Korea with a GDP of 8.7% and a per capita income of $ 20,000 are actually cock sucking faggots because they have only one official language. Because without the lengthy statistics of our country mentioned above we will have nothing to share on Facebook on 15th of august and 26th of January and feel good about our wretched lives .

Point being our sense of pride is way misplaced and this multi ethnic thing looks good only on Mile sur mera tumhaara video and Incredible India ads.In practice, it blows. This I realized while travelling in trains. I took to trains not because I wanted to explore the pan Indian experience, travelling with people from various sections of society but because pay in IT sucks, and every time I book plane tickets it’s like financing Mallya’s IPL team with practically half my salary .

Anyhoo, travelling in train back and forth between your native and work city makes you feel like an African being shipped to America  into slavery during pre-civil war era .Apart from that train forces you to endure people from different demographics for 33 whole hours with no exits.This torture gave me a new insight  into the  ethnicities  and their feelings towards each other. A great divide that  breaks  our country into two 2 distinct  demographics which are at a stone’s throw away from doing a Godhra on each other also leading to a list of stereotyping and preconceived notions so lengthy  that it makes R R Martin’s novels  look like a travel brochure.

H0w North India  views  South India

 

  • Apudi pode and Nakka mukka
  • Absolute disregards for beloved language Hindi
  • Unofficial franchisee of vitamin C – rasam, sambhar ,chutni ,idli
  • Weird fetish for lungi ,idli and bulky, fat women
  • South Indian actors who look like long lost cousins of Rami Reddy, but somehow still have a bigger fan following than Tom cruise and Brad Pitt put together.
  • Kids  who start who start slogging  for IIT,15 hours a day,  15 minutes after hitting puberty. Kids in other parts of the country under similar post puberty crisis slog 15 hours a day clearing levels of Halo 4.
  • Names more challenging than Greece’s current economy .

A typical south Indian name =Rakesh Reddy Peddareddygari.

On a scale of 1 to 5 for measuring the complexity of names, with 5 being the most complicated

and 1 being the least, south Indian names get 10.

South Indian names like P.V Satish Kumar, T.V Krishnamurthy have their entire postal address            attached to it.  Researchers believe that in years to come south Indian dudes will include their finger print info ,semen sample and DNA report for better identification.

  • South Indian movies- South Indian movies have consistently, persistently and ceremoniously defied newton’s laws of motion , Kepler’s  gravitational theory ,Pauli’s exclusion theory ,Heisenberg’ s uncertainty principle and …..well,basic common sense.

Every time a south Indian actor adjusts his goggles while the goons he beat up are still hovering in air who fall down on earth only after our hero has folded up his sleeves, delivered his cheesy one liner and danced his way through an entire song with 200 odd background dancers, the soul of Sir Isaac Newton, the dude who updated the world about gravity, cries a little.

  • Remain in a state of constant cluelessness. And are as humorous as the climax of Requiem for a dream.  Take more time to get a joke than a pentium2 system takes to boot up  and when provide their best laugh the length of one corner from one corner of the lip to the other measures 2mm . Consider activities like hangouts and parties  a crime of biblical proportions and their idea of entertainment swings between Carnatic music and Rajnikant movies.

How South India views North India

  • Region to the north of the Vindhyas or as per the south Indian vernacular, regionfrom where people stop having idli for breakfast.
  • Populated by people  who prefer ending sentences with unholy references to some one’s mother or sister
  • Land of Roadie rejects. Reliable sources reveal that every useless whack, with the IQ level of a Japanese orangutan, whose only aspiration in life is to win some B grade MTV reality show hails from the region bounded by  Ghaziabad and Chandigarh.
  • Mass prevalence of BBB syndrome. BBB  =  Bakchodh  By Birth. Known for talking a lot shit with no coherence to the surrounding environment.

 

  • A girl in north India is like a general candidate in IIT JEE exam. Probability of getting fucked pretty high

 

 

  • Land of inspiration for Ekta Kapoor serials- Legend has it that every  over  the top ,overtly melodramatic, half baked soap opera  made in India has always been about  some Khanna ,Chopra  or Sharma family and never about  any Iyenger, Ramalingam or Reddy family. To be Fair   South Indians are also given screenspace, but mostly appear as  a white lungi clad  Anna,  mainly for comic relief. Also worth mentioning is the fact the amount of leg these anna s show through their lungi is more than any girl has ever been allowed in any CBFC certified movie.

 

  • Major customer base of Aastha and Sanskar TV. It’s not the south Indians aren’t into the religious charade; it’s just that these channels are in Hindi. And besides, the south Indian babas appear more in MMSes   and less on TV.
  • Land of Dandies and Dandizettes: North Indian folks may or may not have imbibed the western line of thinking and intellect but   are well adept when it comes to western style of living.So, may not be familiar with Pasteur, Da Vinci and Louvre but are well aware of Prada, The Versace and Loreal. Primary life goals  include eating ,sleeping ,waking up , visiting parlor ,shaving their legs(Both  males and females ,yes) ,Visiting Gym, groping girls in overcrowded buses(applied only for males), boasting of about their imported   Italian bikini and New Pajero bought from Daddiji’s credit card (females and males respectively), pub-disco-daaru ,Launde baaji- Laundiyaa baaji …………….Repeat.
  • Also known for proposing random girls on Facebook in bad English and grammar as broke  as a   TCS  employee.

I am from a state which is not so much a victim of ethnic profiling as is of mass amnesia about us.People  from  all over the country find it hard to place us geographically. Odisha  is less of a state in itself and more  of south Bengal.And  we get used to hearing arguments  as  abe  oriya bangaali sab ek hi toh hain  and Tumhaari language kya hai – odishi.

We find it hard to  decide as to whether to pity them for their ignorance or kick their balls .We prefer the latter.

To the brain dead, sagging pair of balls,an Odiya and a Bengali are as distinguished from each other as Saina’s and Sania’s  career graphs.

And asking an odiya if he speaks odishi is like asking a Russian if he can talk ballet.

I am from a part of the country which was never actually stereotyped probably because nobody knows let’s say anything about it .Which is primarily because our community was never explored or popularized by any Bollywood movie, any soap opera , any sleazy indipop album, telefilm, documentary, mockumentary ,washing powder ad ,……well ,you get the point.

Add to that we are like a porn film CD found  by the school headmaster. No one’s willing to claim ownership.

we don’t belong to either north or south.the north Indians don’t consider us to be north indian’s  because you not a northie if  you are not fair , if you don’t like Honey Singh  and if you  have never said “ Arre darling aaj badi maal lag rahi ho” to a girl.

The south Indians think we are north Indians  because according to them you are one if you can’t tell the difference between 18 different types of Rasam, you   are not a fan of Chiranjeevi ,Nagarjuna or Mamoothy, if you don’t have a moustache and above all if you can speak hindi properly.

Over all we are the no man’s land of the great north south divide equally culpable of the mess created and willing participants of this culture of intolerance and typecasting.

This unity in diversity theory of ours has more holes than in Om Puri’s nose. We might be living with people from different cultural backgrounds, practicing different religions, speaking different tongues .having different sexual orientation. But, we are not proud of it, we are not enjoying it. Merely tolerating it.

We are the same country that considers every Bihari a criminal,every Punjabi an idiot, every Nepali a watchman, and every north east girl a parlorwaali or a call girl.

We look at each other with patronizing eyes  and  paint each other in broad brushstrokes  to be  addressed in crude humor or venomous  loathe.

 

We are too much in love with the hatred we have for each other.

Hence, the question worth asking is do we deserve to be proud of the things we take pride in.

DISCLAIMER :

My friends say after writing this piece I have reduced my life line to ,may be, tomorrow .Because I live in south India and most of my friends  are a good mix of north Indians and  south Indians or after  the publishing of this article former friends and persecutors.I write this article with great risk to life and property(Not much in terms of property ,but still)

This article aims at exploring the bias that exists in our society without intending to hurt anyone’s feelings .

But, inspite of detailed disclaimers as such i manage to piss off  more people  than Innocence of muslims  did.

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