Dear Americans and rest of the western world ,currently struggling with unemployment, recession, elections, political scandals, occupy movements and corporate scams-Hi! Things aren’t amazing in this part of the world either-corruption,poverty,malaria,overpopulation,damaged democracy and a third world status given by you guys.But then,when were they? WE are about to discuss a matter of mutual importance-the Chinese.While the Chinese have been instrumental in stealing your jobs and threatening the monopoly of your governments across the world,they are a pain in the ass for us too.But,while their phonemenal rise doesn’t irk us as much,there are matters related to them that makes us say—what the fuck.Following are few of the reasons we Indians find the Chinese funny :-
ENGLISH.The Chinese have made an astonishing progress in the last few decades and have gone on to become the 2nd most powerful economy in the world,have built more skyscrapers in Shanghai alone than there are in Chicago and LA put together but most of them still can’t talk in English,which is essentially douche.So, you are telling me that you can comfortably talk and write in the world’s most difficult language , Cantonese but cannot get a language as lame ,with only 26 letters in its alphabet, as English. That is what happens when you are not colonized by the British. You suck at English and all those menial call center jobs don’t go to you,they go to your neighbor.
CHOPSTICKS.The Chinese eat with chopsticks. We Indians who didn’t know what table manners mean until the advent of the 21st century are flabbergasted every time we see a Chinese guy eating with chopsticks. It’s like watching Ripley’s Believe it or Not! Eating with chopsticks is as difficult as solving a 2nd degree homogenous equation and as ridiculous as Samsung SIII’s price tag. Why can’t you just fucking use spoon and fork. Or better, use hands, like us Indians. We Indians use hands for eating because for us eating with our hands is like wearing jeans. It’s easy, comfortable, hip and trustworthy. You always know whether you have washed your hands or not unlike the spoon and fork in the restaurant. If you got the point please pass it to Oprah Winfrey. The bitch has been talking shit ever since she made her visit to India.
THE TIBET SCAM.Chinese oppression of the Tibetans has landed us into a lot of trouble. Many Tibetans took refuge in India to escape the Chinese totalitarian wrath and to continue their fight for their country’s independence. So, there are a lot of Tibetans roaming around in India. And, every time we come across them it’s a race issue.I mean, how the fuck are we supposed to know whether the guy standing in front of us with small eyes and practically half our height is a Tibetan, a Chinese, a Nepali or a north eastern. Secular as we are, we tried to give them a common reference name – chinkies. But apparently, they don’t like it much.
THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA. The Chinese are fucking impractical. They built this great wall to protect themselves from other countries while the truth being other countries need that very wall to protect themselves from the Chinese. (South Korea, India, Tibet,etc )
JACKIE CHAN.He might be a great actor and the highest paid actor in Asia but to us he is basically Rowan Atkinson with a Kung fu degree.
OLYMPIC MEDAL HAUL.And what the fuck is with these gold medals. The number of gold medals the Chinese won this Olympics, given the value of gold, would equal Haiti’s economy.
MADE IN CHINA.China nowadays builds everything from DVD players to Dildos. But while their products are as cheap as a Russian whore they are as unreliable as the School Headmaster’s temper.And also, Chinese are great at copying.They have copied everything, from Apple’s products to Chevrolet’s designs and are making more money than Bill Gates would have ever dreamt of.They say in our land that if you want to make it big in your life, then either think like Steve Jobs or copy like a Chinese.
DISCLAIMER.This article might come across as racist and offensive, because it is. However, this article was written in good humor and the Chinese are requested to take this light heartedly, whatever that means in a communist country.The author doesn’t wish to offend the Chinese community because they might be short and cute looking,but if Bruce Lee’s movies are to be taken seriously,they are dangerous.