Now ,why Indians travel abroad is fairly obvious and well understood-beautiful locales ,tall buildings, night clubs ,strip clubs , hot women ,nude beaches and infrastructure our country is not even planning to build for the next 150 years.
Why people from other countries travel to India is however confusing. Now, why would you want to visit a country whose winter temperatures are 4 degrees higher than summer temperatures of your country? If you have chosen India as your tourist destination then maybe you have taken the Incredible India ad a bit too seriously (one of the few Govt. of India ads which haven’t used a Bollywood actor so far.)Incredible India ads, especially the Kerala and Assam tourism ads are more complicated than Christopher Nolan’s movies. Your only clue to deciphering them lies at the end of the ad when the tourism logo is shown. You miss that and you will never understand what the ad was all about.
Back to the topic of tourism in India, if you are an American or European (because these are the only two groups of people we Indians care about. People from other countries are not are not worthy of any shit here and thus, tourists in this article would imply these guys until and unless mentioned otherwise) and have a lot of money (well, the idea of a wealthy American/European in current scenario is an oxymoron, and a joke the Chinese find very funny) and have decided to visit India then it’s my duty to guide you and prepare you for the journey. Although, the concept of travelling for anything other than for business purposes, according to Marwari book of conduct is utter waste of money and hence, a heinous crime. So, before you begin your amazing journey of this amazing country through overcrowded local trains, pot holes filled roads ,china made vibrator inspired 20 year old buses, you should take a few points into account.
They say, India has a lot to offer in terms of tourism. The way I see it, it’s only temples, temples and temples we’ve got. And they don’t even allow you inside those temples.(Fuck you, Atithi Devo Bhava).so, the deduction being, it helps in here, if you are an atheist. No faith in God means no overt enthusiasm to enter our temple premises; no enthusiasm means exponentially lesser chances of getting beaten up by the public. Everything else that India offers, like classy restaurants ,pubs, bars, night life, concerts ,etc are direct imports from your culture serving your food, playing your music and selling your booze.
If you suddenly find yourself being dragged by some brown man moving with a ridiculously large family and them forcefully trying to take pictures with you, don’t get scared. They are normal people. In India, taking a snap with a “GORA” is as big an achievement as sleeping with Jenna Jameson. While travelling in buses and trains which are always by default overcrowded, handkerchiefs are must .See, Indian males consider deodorants an endangered resource and use it only when they are sure they are going to get laid. So, unless you want to smell their sweat, you need something to cover your nose.(Okay, this was a bit too much. Here a lot of people use deodorants and a lot less people get laid).
Girls need to be extra cautious while travelling in India. Female tourists should stay away from characters with questionable intentions. In north India, that means guys wearing leather jackets in the month of March, trying to talk to you in English that will make even Injamam ul Haq’s English sound classy. The problem here is, there is an acute shortage of fair girls, especially in the region below the Tropic of Cancer and an abundance of men ready to rape. Thanks to the cultural atmosphere most of us were brought up (which teaches us to respect a woman wearing a sari and to call her a slut if she is in a bikini) we get an erection seeing a woman wearing anything other than a Burqa.
The point being if you are 20 year s old and running topless in the beaches of Goa you might get raped. If you are not 20 years old and not running topless in the beaches of Goa you might still get raped.
And guys offering you free drinks are not into philanthropy.
If you are from China then please consult the people of north eastern India to know more about your fate in this country. Besides , I hate Chinese people anyways. My interaction with the Chinese tourists makes me believe that this whole idea of India china friendship is a pile of cow shit. Frankly, we have a better shot with the Pakistanis. And if you feel home sick and you start looking for Chinese food let me tell you,most of the Chinese restaurants in india are actually “Chainise” restaurants and what they sell is technically Indian food with a lot of soya sauce cooked by some guy from UP who in all probability can’t even spell Chinese.
Africans, Asians and South East Asians (euphemism for blacks, browns and people with small eyes)command as must respect in our country as North Indians in Maharashtra. However, African guys give south Indian people major ego boost (Anna, there-are-people-darker-than-me yippee moment).so, there might be some bonhomie there.
Besides these, there are usual cases of con, robbery ,rape, and fraud. But ,since most of you come from societies where cases of assault, gun slinging, gangbanging and racial abuse are common I don’t know why you should have a problem here. With this, I have come to the conclusion of this article. Here is hoping you have a great tour ahead .But with millions losing jobs in Europe and America and million others losing lives in Africa why the fuck do you want to travel in the first place.
Disclaimer: this article uses exaggeration to put forth the opinion of the author, that being me.It might come as offensive to certain groups but the sole intention of the article is to focus on bigotry in the society we live in,racial and gender bias ,hypocrisy that pervades society;an open abhorrence to tolerance and a parochial view towards culture ,norms ,morality that is plaguing this society.I absolutely do not wish or intend to show my country in bad light.So,though I do not dance and shout like freaks in cricket stadiums I am still as patriotic as any other Indian. So, there is no need to send death threats on my e mail .Additionally ,this article doesn’t intend to insult any caste,race,religion,nationality,cultural groups,ethnic groups,south Indians,north Indians, Chinese or Injamam ul Haq. I am personally a big fan of Injamam .I believe if he had not become a cricketer he would have made a good standup comedian.—the evergreen “inshallah ,the boys played well” joke.
And if you are an outsider reading this piece then fuck you for judging us,your place isn’t any better ,unless of course if you are from Amsterdam
Amsterdam :-has more hookers than there are women in Haryana